Corbett to Ban All Smoking

In light of two recent house explosions due to natural gas seepage Gov. Tom Corbett has decided he will ban all smoking in Pennsylvania.  The extreme measure will result in a substantial revenue loss but he thinks cutting medical reimbursements to hospitals for lung cancer treatments will offset the loss.  A man was standing in his driveway in McKean County when his house blew up.  Gas seeping up from hydraulic fracking in the area exploded within the house (another home also blew up in the area) and gas workers confirmed the natural gas lines to the home were intact and not leaking.

As a result Corbett feels it is becoming too dangerous for residents of the Commonwealth to smoke.  Anywhere.  Gas is now leaking into water supplies, pastures and homes.  Therefore smoking and the lighting of anything flammable is becoming too dangerous.  His first solution is to eliminate cigarette and cigar smoking.  Cooking, fireplaces and furnaces may be next in his fight to protect the industry from interference and regulation.  

The Governor will go to any length to protect an industry which contributed almost a million dollars to his campaign.  With this action today he will officially get into bed with the drillers.  I’d ask whether he’s a top or bottom but I figure if you’re in bed with drillers you’re taking it up the ass.  Anyone who thought Corbett, with his blue eyes and handsome face would stop short of prostituting himself to become Governor is an April Fool.

News & Notes April 1, 2010

The President has officially changed his name to Barack McCain Obama.  He did this to blunt criticism that he was a socialist when, in actuality he has implemented numerous planks from his opponent’s campaign.

Ed Rendell, who suddenly got religion on government reform in his final year of office as Governor has agreed to join The Pennsylvania Progressive when he leaves office next January.

Arlen Specter has secretly told his wife Joan he plans to return to the GOP after the November election.  He said he can’t wait to burn that donkey tie and that slumming with working people makes him feel “dirty.”

Democratic Talk Radio has secured major sponsorship and will soon expand to ten radio stations.  Thanks to everyone who contributes to keep us on the air.

Tom Corbett has agreed his prosecutions of House Democrats was politically motivated and promises not to do it again until after the election.  That is, except for the Steve Stetler trial due to commence soon.

The Pennsylvania Green Party has decided to organize effectively and to mount major campaigns for Governor and Senate this fall.  No more tin foil hat candidates and no more infighting.

There’s good news and bad news on the dredging of the Delaware River.  While digging up the scum on the river bottom an old ship was discovered filled with old gold pieces.  The bad news is that that part of the river belongs to Delaware…

Now that it is April 1st I officially pardon Punxsutawny Phil.

Does God send natural disasters as punishment?

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